Dagobert's Revenge

International Conspiracy Revealed!

(Or, how to write a firey, libelous tirade.)

by, Tracy Twyman

So you think you have pretty good self-control, do you? You think that you wake up every morning, consume a pre-packaged, starch-based meal, put on some stylish clothing, brush your teeth, commute to work, toil an eight-hour shift, come back home, eat dinner, watch television, and then go to bed, all of your own free will? You think that when you go to the polls, you vote for the candidate that you actually prefer? You think that, once elected, these politicians are still governed by personal ethics, Federal law, party platform, or even Newtonian physics? You think that when you turn on the nightly news, you actually find out what happened that day? Ha! Well, wake up, my friend. Your illusions are about to be shattered. (Local newscaster) and (local newscaster) feed you daily doses of sugary mind-candy, while offering insufficient explanations for (list of various recent social, political, and economic upheavals) that serve only to keep you from asking what's really going on. But there are holes in these stories big enough to drive a whale-watching tour ship through.

The reality of the situation is that nothing you do makes a damn bit of difference. Everything important that ever happens has been pre-planned by a collaboration of minds which includes the highest elements of world government and international corporations. This group calls itself (name of obscure secret organization), and interestingly, most of it's membership consists of (vague description of what they are that doesn't overtly label them as Freemasons, Commies, Fascists, Zionists, agents of the corrupt Vatican Empire, or those who have received the Mark of the Beast). They are all working together towards a common goal, and using devices such as economic blackmail, seizure, imprisonment, torture, brainwashing, and cruel but effective population control to bring us to our knees. They are very powerful, and have probably already wrapped their tentacles around almost every aspect of your life. This bunch of (nouns and verbs describing their sadistic will to power, including gratuitous use of the word "elitist") control everything: the military, public education, the medical and psychiatric fields, the television, radio, and print media, all of the vital industries, and the very value of our monetary units. They even control the space program. In fact, unbeknownst to us, they have already begun to colonize other planets so that, when the world finally does meet its inevitable demise, they will be able to evacuate, leaving us behind to mutually suffer a slow, painful death. This has been proven in (name of secret document), which gives an account of (some date in the forties), when (name of former US president) met with cabinet officials (insert name), (insert name), and (insert name) to discuss the problem of (some impending environmental disaster). They decided to use evidence collected from (famous UFO crash) as reference material, and embark upon a project known as Operation: (some cute pet name like "Treefrog") to make (nearby heavenly body) suitable for human habitation. (Gratuitous use of the word "alleged".) Research began, and now an annual (some unusually high percentage) of our tax dollars is funneled into these black operations from which we will never personally reap any benefit.

Think I'm crazy, do you? Perhaps a little bit paranoid? Well, that is only because your capacity for accurate reasoning has been stunted by mass media and public education. In it's present condition, your mind cannot contemplate events of this scale, so you dismiss them as "too amazing to be true". But believe me , truth is stranger than fiction. Truth is even stranger than Pulp Fiction, and that's pretty weird. Everything I've told you about these evil men is true. And they get away with it only because you allow them to. You have not fully utilized your power to vote, nor have you protected your right to bear arms, which, at this point, is your only possible method of self-defense. Are you stupid, weak, or just lazy and apathetic? Perhaps you like it that way. Maybe you enjoy having someone around to tell you what to do, so that you won't have the awful job of making decisions for yourself. Perhaps it is the natural order of things that you were born into serfdom. (Subtle hints using words such as "brilliant" and "mastermind" to evoke a sense of awe and reverence towards our feudal lords.)

The founding fathers would not have had it this way. (Quote pulled from the constitution that's being raped.) This goes against the moral standards of the entirety of Western civilization! (Biblical reference comparing the conspirators to the Great Dragon of Revelations. Hopelessly idealistic sentiment for the rather short-lived concept of majority rule.) Only people like you can make a difference. We must come together as a nation to fight this injustice. If we don't, we will all go down together in a blazing inferno of Hellfire. Good night, and God bless.

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